3 Months with a Woman
by Violent Dance
Summary: ShikaTema. Discontinued because of epic fail, though it's still up for laughing material.
1. The Contract

**The Contract**

It was a breezy and sunny day; the sky is filled with clouds running through the ocean blue sky. The soft rustle of the wind brushed against Nara Shikamaru's skin. _Perfect_, he thought as he leaned on the soft green grass on the training grounds with both arms resting behind his head.

The lazy Jonin closed his eyes. _Thank God there's no ANBU practice today_, he sighed. It has been nearly a year since his dad has persuaded him to join the ANBU squad and when he did and he showed the others on how good he is on doing dangerous missions, he was nominated as ANBU captain under the supervision of Hatake Kakashi.

He shook his head. _Kakashi_, he thought. _That guy is trying to alter me into a pervert with that book of his. _True, Kakashi had been 'sharing' his favorite book Icha Icha Paradise with Shikamaru in between breaks of their training. It has also been nearly a year full of nosebleeds in between their breaks but Shikamaru seems to tolerate it...But not for long.

He sighed again. _Life's tough...I should grab a helmet._ His life has been hard since the day he became a Chunin. Then it became harder when he became a Jonin. _Then_ it became much harder when he became ANBU captain. "Troublesome." He muttered.

He remembered the days when he was still a Genin. Those days were nice; he had much time on cloud gazing than today. But he remembered the scariest times when he was still a Genin.

_"SHIKAMARU! Mop the floor!"  
"SHIKAMARU! Get me some water!"  
"SHIKAMARU! Help your dad with the deer's!"_

His _mom_, the scariest woman he could think of in the world. He shuddered at this sudden flashback. _How did father fall in love with that woman? Pft. Women, how troublesome. They should be annihilated. _He yawned and decided to take a short nap. He was about to go to sleep when he felt a shadow hover over him. How did he know? _Well, duh. I'm a shadow controller._ Right.

He opened his eyes and met with green colored…eyes. "AH!" He yelled and quickly backed away. Then he saw the most terrifying specie he could ever imagine.

A woman.

One of the _scariest_ women he knew.

And her name just happens to be Temari.

"Hey, genius!" the wind wielder greeted with a grin on her face and a 'V' sign on her hand. She was leaning over Shikamaru wearing a black slightly loose sleeveless shirt and a black, matching skirt just above the knees. Fishnets were all over her long legs and the same thing with her hands. Her large fan was on her back.

Shikamaru looked...terrified as his gazed moved from her face to her chest. Because her shirt was slightly loose, the Jonin could see Temari's cleavage as he gulped a huge lump down his throat. He could feel his eyebrow twitch, as he could feel something wrong with his body. _Curse Kakashi and that book of his. Damn hormones._

"Eh, you ok?" Shikamaru looked at Temari's worried face before furiously moving his head. "You seem kinda...pale."

"I-I'm ok, d-don't worry 'bout m-me. Ha ha ha" He laughed nervously before scratching the back of his head while giving a nervous smile. Temari gave him a 'whatever' look before moving to her normal standing pose. "Weird." She muttered.

"Eh he he. So, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Suna?" the shadow wielder asked the woman before him, trying to strike a conversation as he leaned back on the green grass.

Temari grinned. "Gaara has something to discuss with the Hokage and since he's Kazakage, it's his job to-" _Yeah, yeah. Whatever._ Shikamaru didn't pay attention to what Temari was saying. Instead, he worked on his favorite hobby: Cloud gazing. _Clouds are just so good to look at. They seem so peaceful, nice and-_

"So- HEY! Are you even listening!" she roared. Without hesitation, she grabbed her fan and slapped it on Shikamaru's head. "OW!" Shikamaru yelped in pain as he covered his head with both arms and sat up straight.

"HEY! Have you lost your _freaking_ nuts! What did you do that for?"

There was another slap on his head. "You weren't listening, Dorkus!"

"It's not _my _fault if what you're saying is _boring_..."

Another slap. "What I'm saying is _important_, Dipshit!"

Shikamaru grunted in defeat. He crossed his arms and sat like an Indian with his brows twitching. By now he has exactly 3 _mini-mountains_ on his black head. "Alright, tell me again."

Temari huffed and shoved her fan back on her back. She shoved a hand in her chest. _Wh-what the hell is she doing? _She took out a white scroll with a red ribbon tied around it and handed it over to Shikamaru. "Read it. It came from the Hokage and he told me to give it to you for your approval."

Shikamaru look at her. She was sitting beside him while facing the other side; he could only see the back of her blonde head with four pig tails while her hand stretched over to him with the scroll. He hesitated but reluctantly took the scroll. He began to unknot the ribbon and as soon as he finished, he opened the scroll. It read:

_Dear Nara Shikamaru:_

_Yo, Shika-kun! Hehehe. Anyway, the Kazekage of Sunagakure, Gaara, along with his siblings, is currently here in Konohagakure. The Kage's of all 5 countries are currently here in Konoha for an urgent meeting.._

Shikamaru stopped reading the letter and looked at the sky. _What does this include me with?_ He sighed and looked at Temari who was blankly staring into space.

Then he continued reading the letter but skipped the long part._ How troublesome..._He continued but only read the last part.

_DON'T SAY TROUBLESOME NOW, SHIKA-SHIKA-KUN! I KNOW YOU TOO WELL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! Now, the meeting lasts in 3 months. Gaara wants his siblings to stay in Konoha until the meeting is finished. Because of reasons, we all think that it would be best if each of Gaara's siblings stay with someone. Now, I want you to agree that Temari may stay with you until the meeting is finished-_

_Kami-sama, kill me now. Number 1, Naruto knows I don't like women. They're like, the scariest creatures in the world that need to be annihilated. Number 2, I absolutely don't want to live with one who is so loud that she could make my ears bleed. _He sighed and placed the scroll on the ground and lay back on the green grass. Temari looked at him, waiting for an answer from the lazy Jonin. "I don't want to approve it."

"But you need to!" Temari retorted while crossing her arms.

"No thanks. It's too troublesome keeping a woman inside my house." He yawned and was about to drift to sleep when Temari grabbed her fan and with out hesitation, slapped it on his head; sending him unconscious before he could even think of sleeping.

Temari bowed her head and placed her huge fan on top of her shoulder blades. "And he thinks I want to stay with him? The nerve!"

----

"He doesn't approve of it, Naruto-sama." The blonde said to the other blonde in front of her while panting as she had been dragging the shadow master with her to the Hokage's office.

"Ah, I know this would happen. Bad, Shika-Shika-Kun! Bad!" the sixth Hokage grinned. "Don't worry. We don't need his approval anyways. You are going to stay with him starting this day until the meeting is finished. If he freaks out, make his livibg like hell."

Temari smirked. "Isn't that a bit brutal?"

Naruto frowned before giving the blonde with 4 pigtails in front of him a grin. "Nah. I'm sure you'll handle it." He said. "Oh. And your bags are already there. Make you sure you make Shika-Shika-Kun's life like hell, all right?" the blonde Hokage said playfully.

Temari bowed before leaving the Hokage's office while dragging Shikamaru's collar behind. As she reached the streets of Konoha, she stopped, took Shikamaru and tossed him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Many people looked at her as if she got out of the mental institute and has gone mad around the village.

"Isn't that Nara Shikamaru? ANBU captain?"  
"Yeah. And isn't that- what's her name again? Was that Temari?"  
"Yeah. And I heard she's strong."  
"OHMYGAWD, I just noticed the ANBU captain is HAWT!"  
"Did he get beaten up by a sand-nin?"

_Ha, Shikamaru? Hot? I don't even think he's exercising cause he's too lazy. _Temari ignored the gossips that she heard from people and took a look at the directions to Shikamaru's house, which Naruto had given her. Minutes later, she arrived in front of a fairly large house that had a white terrace outside. She steps in the terrace, walked towards the door, held the doorknob and opened it. In an instant, her jaw dropped as she took a look at the surroundings.

The floor was shiny and everything looked clean and tidy. There was a large sofa with a table in front of it and a TV in front of the table. It was the living room. A few feet behind the sofa were stairs leading up stairs. The stairs were made of wood and so is the floor. On the left side, there were 2 doors and on the right side, there were also the same amount of doors.

With unmeasured speed, Temari dashed towards the sofa up ahead, shoved Shikamaru on it and ran towards random doors, eventually discovering what each door was and what was in it.

The first door on the left was the Kitchen then the next was the library. Both rooms were huge. On the first door on the right side was the wine room. The next door was..._Why's this room empty? Oh well, who cares?_ Temari closed the door and ran towards the sofa, eventually landing on Shikamaru's back, which cracked a few bones. Temari grinned evilly.

"I could get used this and make his living like hell."


	2. Dinner

**Dinner**

Temari found the rooms up stairs and decided to use the first room. There were 4 rooms upstairs and the blonde decided to pick the first room, which was already filled with furniture's and everything was black, just the way she wanted it to be. It was perfect for her taste.

After finishing arranging her things, she went back downstairs and looked at the black-haired boy. _Still unconscious, huh?_ The wind wielder thought. She leaned towards Shikamaru and poked the shadow master on the chest, thinking that maybe she could get some sort of response. Her tried act was in vain; there was no response.

_Hmm, Naruto-sama said to make his living like hell. AH! I know!_ She grinned evilly before taking hold of Shikamaru's body. _Let's see if you still won't wake after I do... this!_ She shoved him on the hard wooden floor with a loud **thud**.

The blonde heard a _suffering _moan but it quickly disappeared. She looked at the unconscious body of the shadow master on the floor. She smirked and placed a foot on his back and slowly tugged him. "Wake up."

No response.

"You won't wake, huh?" she chuckled before placing her entire weight on the back of Shikamaru, causing some bones to crack and a loud scream of pain _and_ agony to come out of his mouth. _Ha, finally._

"HOLY FLYING FUCK! What did you do that for, stupid _woman_!" bellowed the angry man as he tried to stand up but it was in vain. His hands were wiggling and a foot was on his back.

Temari smirked and took her foot away, plopping on the sofa. She looked at the suffering Shikamaru. _I'm sadistic._ "I didn't know how to regain your consciousness, Mister Nara. I'm sorry if I _accidentally_ stomped on your back." The blonde chuckled.

The shadow master didn't answer but instead, he tried his best to stand up. _I think I broke my bones. No, I think **SHE** broke my precious bones. _His hands were wiggling, the same thing with his foot and body. He doesn't even know if his spinal cord is still intact.

_I think I over did my work._ Temari felt guilty just seeing the helpless Shikamaru trying his best to stand up. _I'm not **that** sadistic._ She sighed and knelt beside Shikamaru who was very unsuccessful in standing up.

With out a word with each other, the blonde grabbed Shikamaru's right arm and helped him stand up. Shikamaru was trembling over her foot. "Don't move, idiot." The blonde snapped as she carried Shikamaru, bridal style.

"Now you're calling me the idiot? **_You_** broke my precious bones, woman!"

She slowly placed Shikamaru on the sofa, inhaled deeply and said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry is not enough!" he snapped.

"I'll heal it!" she yelled. _I also studied how to heal, you know._ "Now, participate and I'll heal your back." The shadow master gave her a glare before nodding in agreement. "Ok, just stay put while I do my thing, alright?" Shikamaru nodded, he couldn't agree more.

The blonde knelt down in front of Shikamaru and began to take off his Chunin vest. _All right, I'm just undressing a guy. That's not so bad, right? Right. _The blonde carefully placed the green Chunin vest on the table. Next step: Take the shirt off.

Swallowing a lump of saliva down her throat, the blonde slowly grabbed the shirt and pulled it up, slightly lifting Shikamaru up so that she could undress him. "A-A-OW. D-don't t-touch t-that- OW!" the shadow master winced as Temari slowly lifted him up so that she could lift the shirt up.

"Stop complaining." She snapped angrily, a tiny blush appearing on her cheeks as she placed the shirt on the table, beside the vest. _Look at this guy. Look at the body, the chest. OHMYGOD shut it up now, TEMARI! You sound like a pervert. Damn hormones. _

The blonde motioned a finger in a circular mode. "Turn around." Shikamaru slowly turned around, afraid to crack some bones. Once finished turning around, Temari placed both hands on his back. Green colored chakra came out of the wind wielder's palms. She ran both palm up and down on the back of shadow master, curing the pain that she had cause him earlier.

Shikamaru could feel the pain go away as Temari continued on what she was doing. _I thought it would be the end of the world for me,_ he sighed in relief. Temari stopped and stood up. "I'm done. Get your clothes back on and _don't_ fall on your back." She shoved the vest and the shirt to Shikamaru and walked towards the kitchen with out another word.

He sighed, took his clothes and decided to take a _nice_, long shower to refresh his body. He stood up, walked towards the stairs and into his room. He opened his cabinet, grabbed a white folded towel and closed it. He opened his drawers and grabbed a new set of clothes, underwear and placed it on his bed. After doing so, he made his way towards the bathroom.

Meanwhile, the bored blonde noticed that it was already getting late. The sun was about to set and she didn't have anything to do. Then, as if on call, her stomach grumbled. "Ah, I'll cook dinner. But wait, what am I going to cook?" she pondered for a moment without moving from her place. "Hmm...I'll whatever I want." She said.

----

"Damn. There's soap in my eye." Shikamaru grunted as he tried to reach the faucet of the shower to turn it on and let the water run through his face but his attempt was in vain.

"ARGH!" he yelled, trying to find the damn faucet with the left eye closed but instead, ran into a wall. He groaned and fell on his _back_ on the cold, tilled floor of the bathroom. The shadow master winced. "Temari said that I shouldn't fall on my back. Great, my bones will break again and I'll be doomed." He said sadly.

----

The blonde stopped whatever she was doing. "I thought I heard something hit the floor, hard." She thought for a moment. Shrugging, she continued on her cooking while humming a certain tune. "Must be some cat who got bumped into a wall."

----

"Ow." Shikamaru placed both hands on his head, feeling a bit dizzy from falling on the floor. He stayed foot beside the wall to help him balance. With a stern shook of his head, he frowned and regained balance once again.

"Why did I run into the wall in the first place? This is becoming very troublesome."

He resumed on bathing.

----

"I'm done!" she cheered all by her self. "I'll just place these on the table and then tada! I'm done! Oh, yeah. Temari's in the house! Uh huh. It's my birthday it's my birthday! Uh huh, oh yeah." She began dancing around the table like someone who just got out of the mental hospital. She stopped as what she was doing finally processed into mind. "Uh...yeah." she sweat dropped.

Placing everything she cooked on the table, the sand ninja plopped on an empty chair. She cooked four different dishes and man, she was proud of her work.

She grinned on her masterpiece. "I, Sabaku no Temari, am a great cook." She praised her self while placing her hands on her hips and striking a pose while making a 'V' sign. "Now, I need to take a shower and then eat. Then sleep." She nodded her head accordingly and made her way towards her room to take a bath.

----

"Damn it. Where the hell is my toothbrush?" He was really about to throw a tantrum in his bathroom. This day was definitely a very troublesome day. First, the woman downstairs cracked his bones. Second, he had soap in his eye then. Third, he ran into a wall and fell on his back. _Forth_, some random 'imaginary friend' of his stole his toothbrush and he couldn't find it anywhere.

Sighing exasperatedly, he placed the toothpaste on the small table and kneeled down. He looked at under the table wherein his toothbrush was supposed to be on. And he saw his toothbrush under the table, all covered with dust and it seemed as if it haven't been used for ages. And would you look at that? There's a _cockroach_ beside the toothbrush.

He shuddered. "Can my day get any worst?" _Mental note: **Buy **a new toothbrush by any means and don't forget to clean this one really hard before using it._

----

Unlike other girls, Temari takes a bath in just a short Spam of time. She is not that girly girl type of girl who takes _at least_ an hour just to take a shower and all that crap. She is 22, a Jonin, a good cook and has _no_ boyfriend or whatsoever. Kankuro always teases her for not having a boyfriend in her entire 22 years of living. _Ha! Is he making me laugh? He doesn't even have a girlfriend himself, _she often thought.

Wrapping a towel around her wet body, she takes out her new clothes, changes into them and then grabs a brush and combs her hair while looking at the mirror. "I always wondered why most women have to take a long shower. I mean, you'll just need to shampoo your hair, soap your body then you're done. It's not like you want to impress somebody," she murmured to herself while combing her hair.

"Or maybe it's just me."

Surely she isn't acting very lady-like but she is still a woman and has the _hormones_ of a woman and that wouldn't change no matter what she'll do...unless she's going to rape gays, which would be very, _very_ weird.

----

Shikamaru took his toothbrush from under the small table and soaped it really, _really_ hard that the bristles of the brush seemed to look like it has been used in a very brutal way. His gaze turned towards the table wherein his toothpaste was supposed to be at but it wasn't there.

"Great, just _great_. Now where the heck did my toothpaste GO!" he yelled in rage and fury, causing the bathroom to echo like an earthquake has just begun.

----

Temari stopped combing her hair as she heard a loud yell. She arched a brow. "Eh?" _Shikamaru is having...issues with his...toothbrush...and toothpaste. _She sweat dropped at the image that appeared in her mind.

It was Shikamaru in the bathroom with a toothbrush in a hand and toothpaste in another. He was yelling at both materials. _I wish I had a video recorder, I could tell everyone that the great ANBU captain has...issues with his toothbrush and toothpaste._

----

"Aha!" Shikamaru yelled victoriously as if he just got rid of the entire woman population, which is, by the way, his _newest_ 'goal' in life. "I found it." he gripped the toothpaste on one hand and the toothbrush on another. He placed an amount of toothpaste on his almost-ripped-out toothbrush, after he finished it cleaning very, _very_ hard, and then started brushing his teeth.

"I think I'm cursed," he muttered as he continued on brushing his teeth. He stopped, rinsed and wiped his mouth with the towel near the sink.

----

Temari walked towards the electric fan, turned it on and began to dry her hair. Then she stopped. "Wait, I have _my_ fan to dry my hair. I don't need this useless heck of a machine." She turned the fan off. Walking her way towards her fan, which is on the bed, she placed a hand on it and chakra came out of her hand.

_I can command my fan by using chakra to fan my hair so that it would dry easily._ She grinned on her perfect plan as her fan started to fan her hair in a rapid move.

Minutes later, she was finished. She tied her hair the style she usually uses, grabbed her fan (just in case something not right happens) and made her way out of the room, closing it behind.

_I'll just tell him that I made something. _The blonde stopped and sweat dropped with a funny look on her face. _Shikamaru didn't tell me where his room was..._

----

"Ow. My eye still hurts. Damn soap...or was that shampoo? How troublesome." Shikamaru said to himself, scratching his left eye on where the soap irritated it. Getting out of the bathroom, he looked at his window and noticed how long he took a bath. _It was supposed to be a nice, long bath._ He rolled his eyes and looked out the window, it was already nighttime, the sun has set.

"Great, just _great_. I was almost killed; I had soap in my eye, bumped into a wall, and lost my toothbrush then my toothpaste. I haven't even cooked anything yet. I guess I'll just have to buy food." He sighed. "How troublesome."

He walked towards his bed with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He was about to strip off the towel wrapped on his waist and change into the clothes, which were set on his bed when...

----

_I checked all the other rooms and he wasn't there, leaving this room alone, which means that he must be here. _Not even bothering to knock, Temari opened the door and poked her head into his room.

She saw _him._

He only wore a towel, which was wrapped around his waist. His black hair was loose; water droplets were falling from head to toe. Temari could see his _nice_ body. A hand was on his hip, staring at the intruder who _dared_ to enter his room.

She blinked. _Whoa...much nicer than what I saw earlier._

He smirked.

She glared. _Stop thinking like a damn pervert! _She mentally scolded her self and shook her head.

He shrugged. "What are you doing here?" He said bluntly while yawning and placing a hand over his mouth.

She blushed and looked away from him with embarrassment. "Go downstairs and fast." Temari said, slammed the door and hurried downstairs. _What is up with women?_ Shikamaru seemed to be amused at the woman's behavior. _First, they try to kill you. Then, heal you. Then, they tell you to go downstairs? It's confusing!_

----

He blinked. _She cooked...these?_

She smirked. _Victory is all MINE. MWAHAHAHAHA!_

He glared.

She shrugged. "It's a sorry from me of what I have done earlier." She said coolly while taking a seat. She took her chopsticks and broke it into two.

He just stood there. _So...I didn't need to buy. Who said women are always troublesome?_

**_You did. You said: 'women are always troublesome'._** Someone responded in his head, mimicking him. It must be the conscience or his _inner_ self. Who said that only Sakura has an inner self? Everyone has.

"Well?" Temari asked impatiently while stuffing in a sushi roll in her mouth. "Stop standing there, sit down and eat! It's getting cold." She placed some more food in her plate then ate.

Shikamaru shook his head and cleared his thoughts before sitting down in the table and joining Temari in their first ever unofficial..._dinner_.


	3. Kankuro's Rescue Mission

**Kankuro's 'rescue mission'**

With a mystified gaze, a yawning Temari sat on the edge of her bed, tucking her feet in her pink bunny slippers. Temari turned her head and looked at the alarm clock on her desk, it was only 2o'clock in the morning and she was already awake.

Temari stood up from her bed, gently scratching her right eye with the back of her right hand. With dragging steps, the blonde woman slowly made her way towards the door, placing a tired hand on the doorknob while turning the knob, opening it.

She walked out of her room, closed the door silently and made her way towards the Kitchen to make her self some hot chocolate. _Maybe that would make me go back to my 'beauty rest'._ The blonde snorted lowly while smirking weakly on the thought of her self having a beauty rest. Slowly, she shook her head and arrived in the Kitchen.

She made her way towards the refrigerator and took a bar of chocolate. The blonde woman placed it on the table and walked towards the cabinet and got a glass, took the thermos and placed it on the table. Grabbing a spoon nearby, she placed it on the table as well.

Temari opened the bar of chocolate, cut it into small pieces using her hands and placed it on the glass. Once done, she took the thermos and poured some hot water in the glass, making it half full. She placed the spoon in the glass and started to stir the contents until it was gone and was already turned into chocolate milk. Temari took the glass, went to the nearest faucet and filled the glass with water, stirring it.

She stopped stirring the glass and placed the spoon on the table. She placed the tip of the glass on her lips and began to drink her hot chocolate. The hot chocolate rushed through her throat, into her stomach. She could feel her body relax, her sleepiness bit by bit coming back.

"Ahh," Temari breathed out in a low voice as she slammed the glass softly on the table. "...That was good." Slowly making her way towards the door, she noticed it creek open.

She stopped dead on her tracks...

...The door continued to creek open, wider and wider...

The blonde woman's eyes widen when she saw Shikamaru walking inside kitchen from outside. His head was bowed and his hair was loose, making him look like that _woman_ from the movie 'The Ring'. _WHAT IS THIS, A MOVIE SHOOTING? Is he that woman from that movie I saw a couple of days ago? What is he? GAY?-!_

The black haired man advanced forward to Temari, like a living zombie. The blonde woman slowly backed away from the advancing man. She wanted to fight the man in front of her, but something _was_ stopping her from doing so.

Ladies and Gentlemen, pencils and ball pens, dogs and cats, gays and lesbians, I present to you, a _scared_ Temari.

Shikamaru continued to advance forwards, now a bit faster than before. The blonde woman just backed away until she reached the table, trapping her there with nothing to do. _Shit._

The next was unexpected.

He pinned her roughly on the table using his arms to lock hers. Their lips connected with one another as the woman's eyes widened in shock, causing her jaw to open slightly making him have the opportunity to slip his tongue in, deepening the kiss.

Every move of his mouth made the blonde wanted _more_. She couldn't explain it; it was something that she really couldn't understand and she only understood one thing: She wanted more. Who wouldn't? This guy stole her first kiss and she'd make everything out of it.

Unknown ecstatic waves of pleasure ran through the woman's body, tiny hairs in her arms stood up as she felt this _certain _sensation. Who would have thought that the great Shikamaru, who dislikes women, is a great kisser even though he doesn't have any experience?

Words couldn't explain what the blonde woman was feeling right now. She was just enjoying herself in this. She kissed back, released herself from the tight grip of Shikamaru and pulled him closer to her, roughly kissing each other with pleasure. A soft moan escaped from the blonde woman's throat.

Minutes later, what seemed like eternity to Temari, the black haired guy pulled away and regained his pace, head bowed and hair loose. Temari stood up properly; cheeks were slightly flushing from what had happened earlier as she regained her pace.

"Shikamaru..." The black haired man fell on the floor, his eyes closed and his breathing normal. Temari could feel her self sadden a little. She was enjoying every bit of what had just happened but she wanted something that the black haired guy couldn't give right now.

She wanted him to be awake.

This slowly angered her.

----

Shikamaru slowly lifted his eyes open and found himself in the living room. It was already daytime, the sun has already risen and from the looks of it, it was around 8o'clock in the morning. _Wha-Why am I in the living room? _He slowly sat up strait and looked around. Everything was normal and ok. _...But I think something happened, which I wasn't aware of..._

Feeling a little bit dizzy, he took out his hair tie from his pocket and began to tie his hair into the usual high ponytail that he always does. After doing so, he yawned and stretched his body, doing his stretching routine.

"HA!" he yelled as a waking expression and shook his head rapidly, making the bit of himself wake up. _I need to eat..._ he thought as he made his way towards the kitchen. Opening the door, he saw that _woman_ who almost killed him yesterday. _Ugh. She's here again. Oh, she's staying here._ He reminded himself sarcastically as he walked in the kitchen.

The food was already set and Temari was sitting at the end of the table, her head bowed. _Now what?_ Shikamaru sat on the other end of the table and looked at the woman before him. She lifted her head up a bit and saw him. She had a blank expression, her face was pale and she looked lifeless. _This is a perfect example of a living dead..._

Shikamaru cringed. _What is wrong with women?_ "You alright?"

She lifted her head up and bowed it again without any reply.

"...!-?" Shikamaru was speechless. What would he say? What would he ask? He knew Temari's attitude and the way she acts around people but this expression didn't quite register in his mind. That expression isn't one of the expressions of Sabaku no Temari.

"Ughh-" he tried to say something but was cut off by Temari lifting her head up with an angry expression on her face.

"Just eat." She snapped in an icy voice and glared at the shadow master. The shadow master opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. "Next time, I won't be cooking anything. Why am I even cooking for you, anyway? It's not like I'm your _wife_ or something. Why do I even _bother_?" she stood up from her seat and walked out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind with a loud thud.

Shikamaru just sat there, blinking.

----

Temari grounded herself in her room the whole day. Shikamaru had tried to talk to her and make her go out of her room but she would always reply lines like, "Shut up and leave me alone, you man-bitch!" or if not that, "Leave me alone you good for nothing piece of crappy shit who knows nothing but sleep the entire time of your goddamn hell of a life! You might as well want to make a billboard to go with that!"

You might be wondering, "Is she depressed or something because Shikamaru wasn't awake when he practically _stole_ Temari's first kiss?"

Nooo...you're absolutely wrong. Temari? Depressed?

**-SNORT-**

When did THAT happen?

_I'm fucking PMSing so shut the fuck up and leave me alone you Shikamaru-Teme. Don't you even DARE knock again or else..._

Then there was a knock on the door.

**-BOOM- **

Temari slammed the door open. Standing in front of the doorstep, looking like a drenched puppet and wearing the weirdest make-up _(or paint, as he says,_ Temari thought as she mentally rolled her eyes) in the world was the one and only younger brother by a year of Temari, Kankuro.

The blonde glared at him. "What do you want, you good for nothing son of a bitchy-cow who practically worships mud holes?" she asked in gritted teeth.

The puppeteer just smirked. "Kankuro is here to the _rescue_." He invited himself inside Temari's room with out her permission. "Your boyfriend-"

**-WHACK- **

"That. Dimwit. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend. Kankuro-GAY!" she yelled while gripping her huge barbaric fan. "Say that again and you _DIE_, Kankuro-_GAY_. Ya here me? DIE!" The blonde pointed her huge fan on Kankuro's face making Kankuro back away from her dangerous and scary sister. _Note to self: Never mess with Temari if she's experiencing that Pre-Menstruation Syndrome thing,_ Kankuro reminded himself mentally before nodding furiously.

"Alright, alright! He's not your boyfriend." The puppeteer said. "But you need to tell him why you're acting this way. He's like, freaking out cause you were all pale and blah all of the sudden."

The blonde snorted. "I thought he has the IQ of 200. He should have guessed why I was acting like this in the first place, that Shikamaru-dimwit."

"But you need to tell him."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because you need to."

"And I need to tell him because..?"

Kankuro was starting to get irritated by this. "JUST SAY IT, WILL YA!"

Temari smirked victoriously with an arrogant look on her face. She knew that she won. "Why would I say it?"

"Because..."

"Because?"

"Because...if you don't say it..." Kankuro stopped for a moment. _What would I say? AHA! I know a thing that would really make her go BOOM._ He smirked and continued what he was saying. "...Then that means that you really don't want to have a boyfriend or husband in the near future cause you're keeping your _secrets_. When women are near their days, they act very strange and weird cause they're PMSing. Some guys don't know what you're experiencing right now and Shikamaru is one of those guys. Once they don't understand a thing, they start to get away and dislike you because you're acting very strange and weird."

An idea hit the puppeteer's mind. He leaned near Temari's ear and whispered, "You don't want to die a virgin, do you?"

**-EXPLODE-**

"ARGHHHHHH! ALRIGHT! You WIN! I'll tell him, you idiotic puppeteer." The blonde yelled in defeat as she stomps out of her room.

_She doesn't want to die a virgin._ Kankuro smirked and followed her sister, to make sure that his 'rescue mission' would be all right and successful.

----

"Grrr. That brat. Why does he have to be right? Grrr." The blonde silently cursed as she stomped downstairs. Looking around, there was no sign of a black haired guy in the house. She checked all of the doors and he wasn't in any of them. "Where the frikin' heck did that guy go?"

"He's out on the training grounds, doing his favorite hobby." Kankuro replied from behind. Temari turned around, glared at him and walked out of the house, slamming the door hard behind that the picture frame near by, which was hanging on the wall, fell on the floor.

"Geez. One lesson I've learned in life: NEVER mess with women when they're having the Pre-Menstrual Syndrome thingy, a.k.a PMSing, cause they'll murder you without any regrets if they have a chance." Kankuro sweat dropped and followed his sister to the training grounds in a silent mode.

----

"Hn." The shadow master sighed as he continued to gaze on the clouds passing by the sky. "Women are troublesome..."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!" an angry voice bellowed out of nowhere, which caused Shikamaru to jump from where he was lying on and look at the face of an angry Temari, her hands on her hips as she was tapping the ground with one foot; her fan resting on her right shoulder blade with her hand holding it, preventing it from falling on the ground.

"Ughh..." the intelligent boy tried to come up with an excuse but ended up saying nothing. "I said that Women are...tough!"

The blonde seems to take the excuse and snorted. "Of course we are. Men still persist in the belief that they are superior to us women but they're wrong. WOMEN are superior to men. If you have complains, just shut the fuck up if you don't want me to murder you ruthlessly if you believe that men are superior to women."

Shikamaru gulped. "O-of course n-not. Hehehe." _This woman is really starting to get on my nerves. Why, God? Why did you have to create scary species like women? Why not only men?_ "Uhmm..want to go for a walk..?"

The blonde huffed, placed her fan on her back and crossed her arms. "Fine." She began to walk away with Shikamaru behind him. They passed a chocolate store and Temari stopped. She looked back and glared at Shikamaru who felt very little at the glare of the woman. "Don't just stand there! BUY ME SOME CHOCOLATE!"

Shikamaru blinked.

"WELL?"

"O-okay." Shikamaru said and practically _skidded_ inside the Chocolate store. He grabbed the _most expensive_ chocolate and purchased it, afraid that the blonde woman waiting for him outside to _murder_ him ruthlessly just because he didn't buy her a chocolate. "God, this is too troublesome." The shadow master sighed, took his purchased chocolate and went back outside, holding the chocolate bar on a hand, the other hand was shoved in his pocket.

Temari was on the rails of a bridge, resting her arms on the rail as she carefully watched the gushing water running through. Shikamaru stood beside her. "Why do you want a chocolate?" the shadow master asked the blonde, carefully picking up the words to say.

The blonde woman slowly turned her head at Shikamaru. "OMG, I'm PMSing." She stated sarcastically with the roll of her eyes. Glaring at him, she yelled, "Shut the fuck up and give me my chocolate!" She grabbed the chocolate bar from Shikamaru's hand and began to unwrap it quickly.

Shikamaru blinked. _She's PMSing...? No wonder she's acting weird..._

Temari threw the wrappers on the water. Cutting it into pieces, she began to shove lots of chocolate pieces in her mouth and began to eat it. Shikamaru just watched the blonde woman next to him quietly with slight amusement. _Women...too unpredictable..._

----

Hiding in the bushes, the puppeteer carefully watched the two couple standing by the bridge, a grin plastered on his painted face as he continued to stare at the couple he was spying on. "Any minute now..."

----

Temari continued to stuff her mouth with chocolate, not noticing that the chocolate bar was already slipping from her hand...

...It slipped and fell on the water...

The blonde gasped as she watched her beloved chocolate bar run through the water stream. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHH! MY PRECIOUS CHOCOLATE!" Temari screeched and was about to dive into the water, good thing that Shikamaru was there to stop her dive into the water.

"Temari, what are you doing!" the black haired bad yelled as he pulled the struggling Temari to his chest, preventing her from diving into the water just to get the chocolate bar. "It's just a chocolate! How troublesome..."

Temari didn't struggle once she was pulled back on the shadow master's chest. Nooo. She just stayed still; head bowed and arms on the side. She turned around and buried her face into Shikamaru's chest since Shikamaru was slightly taller than Temari. _What the...-_

He could feel something hot run through his chest. He looked down and saw that his shirt was already wet by..._tears_. _She's crying…?_ "Temari, what's wrong?"

She sniffed and looked up with puffy red puppy-dog-like eyes. "M-my c-chocolate. G-go-gone." She sniffed again.

Shikamaru sweatdropped. _Geez. Women. How troublesome. _The shadow master sighed and patted Temari's head in a bored manner while looking up at the sky. "I'll buy you another one...if you insist."

Temari's face brightens up. "REALLY?" she _squealed_ and grinned at Shikamaru, jumping up and down.

_This is a lot scarier..._ "Ugh..yeah." He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to walk back to the chocolate store, purchased the same chocolate bar he purchased earlier and walked back to Temari with the chocolate on hand. Handing the chocolate, he says, "Here. Make sure it won't fall cause I don't have anymore money." He sighed as both of them start to talk about random things.

----

Kankuro smirked victoriously. Silently, he stood up. _I guess my rescue mission is now over,_ Kankuro thought. Swiftly, he began to jump through the trees' branches and moved away from the couple he was spying at.

With that, Kankuro's 'rescue mission' ended.


	4. S Class Mission

**THE Mission**

Konoha. The beautiful and fine place of Konoha wherein birds are happily chirping, happy people chat with one another as they do their daily routines, wives visit their co-wives to gossip about the latest news or gossip going around Konoha. Everything just seemed to be perfect and peaceful...

"Just shut up and _buy_ me my _bloody_ tampons, you stupid mutant man with nipples from women!"

...alright, _kindly_ scratch that last part.

"There is NO way I'm going to buy you your necessary..._things._" the shadow master retorted, glaring immensely at the blonde kunoichi before him. _I don't even want to **know** how women use those stuffs and how they insert it in their- UGH! NEVERMIND!_

"Kamaimasen (I don't care)! Just do it!" With that, the blonde pushed Shikamaru forcefully out of the house, slamming the door in front of the Jonin's face, startling him.

"NANI!" Shikamaru pummeled the door with his fist. "Why me? Why don't you just buy _it_?"

"YAMETE (Stop it)!" Temari yelled and opened the door, catching Shikamaru off guard from the abrupt action. She glared at him. "It's a special _Super_ A-class _mission_ to test whether you survive or not!" She yelled.

"N-NANI!" He gagged stupidly as his brow twitched. "SUPER A-CLASS! Are you _effing_ serious?"

"Hai!" Temari yelled in irritation as she rolled her eyes. "Now, just go out there and buy it. Come back here if you have it. If you don't...THEN DON'T COME BACK AT ALL!" She yelled once more before slamming the door right in front of Shikamaru's face, causing Shikamaru to cringe at the loud noise.

Shikamaru sighed angrily as he turned around; muttering curses under his breath on how troublesome this..._mission_ is going to be. "And it's not like I'm after an S-rank criminal like those Akatsuki dudes. What a drag."

----

_Alright, so, first, I transform into a **Sexy no Jutsu**_-

Yup. You heard...er...READ it right, people. THE Shikamaru will be doing the _Sexy Jutsu_ anytime now. Who even knew that THE Shikamaru, who overly dislikes women, knows how to use the Sexy Jutsu? Man, earth is getting weirder and weirder, madder and madder each day...and you haven't seen the best of it.

-_and they'll think I'm a woman. And then, I go in the store, buy Temari's **things** and then go back to my house and cloud gaze all day_, Shikamaru slightly smirk at his 'perfect' plan as pushed the bushes aside while hiding behind it, eyes fixed at the **Pink** store just meters away from where he is.

He frowned.

"I still don't like the idea of this." He uttered, vastly glaring at the store he will soon get in. "And look at its name. The _Black House_?"

**-SNORT-**

"Yeah right. Really, I can see lots of _black_ things in there." He drawled out sarcastically before rolling his eyes. "Seriously, the color and the title don't match."

----

Staring into nothing in particular, Temari just sat on the porch out side the ANBU captain's house; watching people pass by and give her death glares.

_Oh...kay. What's the glares all about..?_ She frowned and lowered her head, watching her feet go back and forth in mid-air. _La, la, la, la, la. Let's just all pretend that the world is a very happy place with colorful blood red rainbows, dead lying flowers on the ground and demon butterflies flying-_

"Ohayo, Temari-san," a voice drawled out, cutting Temari in her mad thoughts about the 'world is a happy place'. She looked up and saw a lazy eye staring at her. A navy blue mask covers the owner's face and the Konoha forehead protector covers his left eye. The person's silver hair was just as messy as usual.

"Uh..hey?" it turned out to be a question, not a greeting, from the sand kunoichi.

Kakashi stopped in front of the kunoichi, hands shoved in his pockets. "I'm just going to ask you where Shika-kun is." He said, his mask lifting up in every word that he says. "Is he inside?"

The blonde grinned, almost sinister in a way. "He's on a special Super A-Class mission."

----

_Breathe in. Breathe out. You could do this, **Shizuka**_.

A young woman about the age of 19 with long black hair that was up to her waist, which was tied into a high ponytail, a beautiful face, full D-cup breasts tried to calm her self, her cheeks filled with the faintest crimson blush. She's wearing a Chuunin vest with long black sleeves and the Konoha forehead protector tied to her left arm. Fishnets were covering her hands and she's wearing long, tight black pants with matching ninja sandals. The tight pants and outfit made her butt and curvy body stand out.

Now that's someone you can't see everyday.

_Man, I look hot- WAIT. Stop thinking like- Oh yeah, I have HUGE and FULL D-cup breas- STOOPPPPP! Focus on the 'mission'. _Shizuka shakes the thoughts off and walks briskly into the _Black House_, her hands shoved in her pockets as she lowered her head down, walking like the 'Hunchback of Notre Dame'. Much to her dismay, a lot of people noticed her and started to babble with one another. But that's just the women.

You just don't know what the men will do. Something...

"Hey, sexy. Wanna have a joyride in the bed with me?"  
"Shove off, baka. She's mine. Right, hot stuff?"  
"She's mine and you two are just losers. She's gonna have the greatest time with me in bed."

...like that.

Shizuka tried to ignore them but as she walks, the men still follow her...and they just happen to be ANBU members.

Man. Perverted _hot_ ANBU members? Earth has gone MAD.

She gritted her teeth. _I'll deal with you guys. _Shikamaru thought while glaring immensely at his comrades. _Troublesome people._

Sexy no Jutsu: success.

----

"Oh? How come Naruto-sama didn't inform me about it?"

"It's a _special_ mission by _me_. The mission is just simple, he'll just need to buy me something and come back here with it." Temari begun to explain, eyes fixed at her moving feet, the grin not fading on her beautiful face. "I just don't know if he'll succeed on buying _it_ without embarrassing himself."

Kakashi eyed her suspicious, the grin on the sand kunoichi's face made the Copy Ninja wonder, _She's up to something._ He shrugged and shoved a hand in his pocket, bringing out _Icha Icha Paradise_.

_And there he goes with that book of his again,_ Temari thought as she rolled her eyes.

"I'll just wait for him here." _Special Super A-Class mission, eh? This is going to be fun._

----

Shikamaru dusted his hands together, eyes fixed at the men he tied around the tree with out breaking a sweat. He placed both hands on his _curvy_ hips, his D-cup breasts bouncing by the action. _Man, having breasts is troublesome. I wonder how they handle it- WAIT. Remind me, why am I thinking these stuffs? Oh yeah, special thanks to Kakashi-sensei's books._

"Please, Shizuka-sama! We didn't mean it! W-we were just drunk!" a man with brown shaggy hair, black eyes and a well-built body, pleaded.

"A-a-and we didn't k-knew you were th-that girl-!" another man said. His blue eyes looking strait into Shikamaru's brown ones as his blonde hair reflected into the sunshine, making it glow.

"A-an-and yo-you're TOTALLY hot!" an unusual purple-eyed man said, as he shook his head, his black hair messing more than the usual.

Shikamaru scoffed, _Pathetic excuses for a human. _"Drunk? In the morning? I don't think so." He said in a girl voice (like Anko's) as he glared at the man named Kensen, the guy with shaggy brown hair and black eyes. He looks like Shikamaru with short brown hair and black eyes.

The shinobi...or rather, _kunoichi_ turned his head towards the guy tied beside Kensen, Lukashi. "And you. Who cares if I'm that girl or not? As part of the ANBU squad, you should respect each and everyone here in Konoha." He sated intelligently at Lukashi, bringing out a finger to add some effect for the 'Naruto-look-a-alike' man to see.

"And you, Kashiko," he glared dangerously at the purple eyed man as he felt his cheeks heat up. "Shut up or else I'll get you out of the ANBU." he said as loud as he could in a low voice, letting some 'eavesdropping persons' hear what he...or rather, SHE was saying at the purple-eyed man who looked like that Kabuto dude.

Shikamaru...or rather, _Shizuka_ coughed loudly. "I should probably do that. It's for the best..." he glared at the three, his brown eyes glinting mischievously. "...troublesome comrades."

"NA-NANI!" Shikamaru's comrades yelled in unison, eyes about to bulge out as they turned pale, jaws hanging down to the ground. "N-no! Please, Shikama-"

"And for the 2nd time in a row, it's Shizuka." Shikamaru said dangerously, grabbing the collar of Kensen's shirt and pulling it towards his face. "Say it and I'll let Sabaku no Gaara kill you since he's just so enjoying to kill people by _request_. I'll even request him to make your death _slow_ and _painful_."

"Go-gome-menasai, Shizuka-sama." Kensen apologized, cringing at the name of Gaara. "But please," he insisted. "We really didn't mean it! W-we were just...taken a back from your...your...beauty." Kensen stated shyly, cheeks flushing with crimson red as his comrades nodded.

"Hn," Shikamaru released Kensen's collar, snapped her head away. "You're bluffing."

"Demo (but), demo, it's true! You're really...really..._attractive_, Shizuka-sama." Kashiko said, his unusual purple eyes shining.

"A-and I like your hair. It's so shiny and it seems silky." Lukashi added, looking away with flushed cheeks.

Instead of being flattered to death by the comments of his comrades, Shikamaru had a lot of anime sweat drops on top of his head as his comrades started to rant out everything that made Shikamaru...er...Shizuka attractive. _And then they'll decide to marry me today. God, I'm just man trying to have a normal life! Why must I suffer all of these?_ "Bakas. I'm a man. Your ANBU captain, _remember_?" Shikamaru stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world -which it really was- as he rolled his brown eyes.

All of them turned red. "Gomenasai, Shikamaru-sama," they stated in unison with low voices.

Shikamaru sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, the usual bored expression plastered on his face...the only difference is that his face was not his face. It was a woman's face. It would be his face IF he were a woman.

"Yosh, I'll let you guys free for now-" a loud cheer interrupted him.

"ARIGATOU, SHIKAMARU-SAMA!"

"SHHH!" Shikamaru hissed. "Shizuka, _remember_?"

"Gomen, gomen." All of them apologized with smiles on their faces. Shikamaru took out a kunai, walked towards the tree where the men were tied and cut the chakra filled ropes off, freeing the men.

They stood up, dusted them selves and in unison, bowed to Shikamaru. "We shall go now, Shizuka-sama." Kensen said.

"Hai, Shizuka-sama. And also," Lukashi added, his blue eyes glinting with malice although Shikamaru could not see it. "Kindly tell Shikamaru-sama that we'll miss him. You're his _girlfriend_, anyways."

"Why you..." before Shikamaru could _scold_ them, with a hand seal and puff of white smoke, all of them disappeared. "Pft...troublesome comrades." _Let's all hope that nobody heard that._

----

Why does Kami-sama have to be so _evil_? Why does it have to be that someone heard the last part? Why does it really have to be a woman?

But the worst of all the _worstest_ (there's not a word) is that, why does it have to Inuzuka _Ino_? WHY of the all women SPECIES in Konohagakure does Ino have to really just _hear_ that last part?

_Shikamaru's girlfriend, huh?_ The blonde thought, eyes glinting with malice as she had a sinister grin on her face, her cheeks painted with those red fang symbols that the Inuzuka clan has. _This is a good catch! Considering that Shikamaru dislikes woman and he now has a girlfriend, the people will really love this!_

Inuzuka Ino, the wife of Inuzuka Kiba, is a known kunoichi in Konohagakure. She is also a known columnist for 'Konoha Weekly'.

_Heh, this will be good news! _The blonde kunoichi took out a camera and clicked it, aiming it at the girl who is Shikamaru's girlfriend.

This...

...will be bad.

----

_Oh...kay. I don't like this. I don't like this at all._ Shikamaru's eyes were vastly shifting from the right to the left, from the left to the right. He was already in the _Black House_ and seriously, all the stuff are color pink. Where the _heck_ did they even get the name of the store, anyway?

_Wha- WHERE THE HECK DID THESE **VICTORIA SECRET **BRAS COME FROM!_ He was about to gag as he felt his whole body twitch involuntarily.

Victoria Secret Bras?

In KONOHA?

Ok, spill it. Who spiked God's milk this morning?

Shikamaru kept his cool and started to walk around the Store. It turned out that there were _several_ unlikely products that the store was selling and these products are just so out of the line. Examples? Pink _Lacoste_ Shirts, Black _Victoria Secret_ Bras & Thongs, _Tommy Hilfigger_ Perfumes and- what the fuck. STRAWBERRY FLAVORED CONDOMS?-!

Shikamaru had the look like this: OO ...with his brow twitching madly.

_Yosh. Ok. Stay calm Shikamaru, you'll just need to buy those tampons and you're out of here, OK? _Shikamaru nervously approached the counter, pushing his index fingers together like what Hinata always does when she gets nervous. "Uh..."

"Yeah, yeah. Cut of the stutterin', woman. What'cha buyin'? Hurry up 'cause I ain't got all day waitin' fo' ya, ya know what I'm sayin'?" the fat woman on the counter said in a bored, American accent as she looked at Shikamaru unenthusiastically, her mouth moving as she chews a gum, blows it as a bubble and **POP**, it splattered on her chubby face.

_My chakra's almost out. I've got to hurry or else I'm doomed._ "Do you have tampons?" he said in a hurry.

The woman stopped chewing the gum and leaned in forward, "Did ya say sumthin'? Can't hear ya, dog. Say it louder, will ya?"

"Do you have tampons?"

"What'dya say? Say it again, louder." Shikamaru was already loosing his patience...and his chakra, too. He noticed his long, silky and shiny black hair go shorter and shorter as his chakra gets smaller and smaller. _Damn. This is getting really troublesome._

He gritted his teeth. "I. Said. Do. You. Have. Bloody. Tampons. _Miss_." He stated angrily.

The woman backed away and looked at Shikamaru with a weird expression on her fat face. Oh, how Shikamaru wanted to _roast _the pig alive and let Akamaru eat her intestines. "Yeah, yeah. I'm goin', I'm goin'. Sheesh." She walks off, leaving Shikamaru standing in front of the counter looking like an idiot, awkwardly shifting her pace.

Shikamaru already hated the fat American woman.

"Here ya go, dog," the woman said, handing _it_ to Shikamaru. Shikamaru was about to pay when the woman stopped him. "Don't pay it anymore. Some blonde walked in and said that she'd pay everythin' you'd be buyin'."

Shikamaru blinked. "Uh...Ok...?"

"Well, what'cha waintin' fo'? Santa? Ya go now!" she yelled and waved one of her fat hands towards Shikamaru, telling him to leave the store.

_Maybe she owns the store_, Shikamaru thought as he rolled his eyes, ran out of the store (before making sure that he had _it_), deep into the forest and stopped. He looked around to make sure that nobody was there and that he was alone.

Once knowing his surroundings, he makes hands seals.

**-PUFF-**

He returns into his original body, just in time that his chakra was already out and that he successfully finished the mission...

_At last. I'm finished it successfully._

...well, that's what _he_ thought. Who knew what was coming?

* * *

Author's Note: I _know_ the names of the ANBU members suck.  



	5. Dreaded Feeling

_Sorry for the wait! Here's chapter 5!_

* * *

**Dreaded Feeling**

_It's been, like, 3 hours since he went to buy it,_ The sand kunoichi thought angrily, _and_ _there's a lot of **protein** and **fat** coming out of my gentles...and I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TISSUE!! _She paced around the living room, an angry look on her face as she continues to mutter things under her breath.

The masked Jonin outside on the shadow master's terrace looked up from his book. "Any problem, Temari-san?"

Temari grunted and gave no reply. In a bad mood, she is. She turned around, her back facing the masked Jonin.

Kakashi shrugged and read on, smirking behind his mask as he read one of his _favourite parts_. Anyone who guesses what he's currently reading will be awarded the 'Physic Award' by non other than the Hokage himself.

"Just wait until that Teme comes back here. I shall make him beg for my heavenly mercy." She muttered, eyes narrowing and glinting with malice as she grins evilly, chuckling secretly.

Kakashi looked up from his book again, a question mark popping over his head as he looked at the blonde whose shoulders were shrugging violently.

He sweat dropped. _Man, this woman has issues. Serious issues. _He shrugs it off and continues on reading his beloved book.

-----

Shikamaru dragged his feet back to his house, the usual bored expression on his face. Tilting his head up, he frowned. _No clouds. This means something not good is going to happen..._ The superstition is true. Terrible things happened to him when there were no clouds to be seen and it was proven _...that sounds really troublesome..._

He reached his house and stopped.

"Speaking of which," Shikamaru glared at the door, "I'm going to walk in and Temari _dearest_ is going to be running around and chasing me with a pan on hand like she's the Queen of the world filled with forbidden species like her," he sighed.

"Oi, Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru turned his head and saw his sensei sitting by the rails of the terrace of his house. "Kakashi-Sensei?" he asked as he walked slowly towards him, asking, "what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be...somewhere else?" _...like masturbating in the comfort room with your book in front of your face and nosebleed everywhere on the floor..._

Shikamaru saw the Jonin's mask lift up, saying that Kakashi was smiling. "I wanted to train with you today" he said, "..but seeing as you were in a 'Super S-Ranked mission', I changed my mind and waited here..." his mask lifted some more.

Shikamaru began to sweat. _Oh, hell, no. No one should know about this..._ "Ugh.." Shikamaru started, sweat was beginning to form on his forehead, "You see, Kakashi-sensei, I really need to go now 'cause-"

"SHIKAMARU!" a loud, raging voice was abruptly heard. Tilting their heads to the side, both leaf shinobis saw a very angry Temari; her fist held up high in the air, stomping and vastly approaching Shikamaru with rage-filled eyes.

_Oops, I smell trouble.._ "Well," Kakashi stood up, closed his book and as he did so, he continues: "it was nice_ meeting_ you, Shikamaru-kun. I must go now. Ja ne!"

_Wait! Don't go masturbating yet! _Shikamaru turned around and was about to tell his Sensei not to go, but he could say no more. Kakashi had already left with a 'poof' sound a puff of smoke.

_Oh hell, trouble..._ "Shikamaru?" Temari asked in a sickly, sweet voice, which caused Shikamaru to cringe at her voice.

Slowly, he turns around and sees a frowning Temari with a pan on her right hand, softly and repeatedly pummeling it on her left hand, as to show that she's going to beat up someone.

"H-hi, Temari." Shikamaru said while slowly backing away with his hands in front of his face, just below the eyes. "W-wo-wow, n-nice weather t-today, d-don't you t-t-think?" Temari continued to advance forward _...this isn't working._

"M-my, y-you look f-fabulous t-today," the shadow master was sweating. He can't _die_ at the age of 19! He still has wife and kids to feed! Hold on, he doesn't even have a wife! He's a woman hater and has a goal to terminate all other human life forms with jelly-filled humps on their chest that bounce whenever they're hit at.

"SHI.KA. Temari chased Shikamaru around the terrace, pan held up high like an old lady holding a purse and chasing a robber 'cause she'd do Kung Fu on him for trying to steal her wallet and the robber couldn't do anything about it 'cause Granny's really scary. "You'll be _dead_ by tomorrow and before you know it, everybody's attending your funeral. NOW GIVE ME MY BLOODY TAMPONS, YOU SHITHEAD MAN-BITCH!"

And Shikamaru's superstition succeeds once again.

-----

Surprising isn't it? How Shikamaru managed to live through that day of horror? How he is sleeping comfortably right at this very moment on his bed while snoring, saliva dripping by the edge of his mouth? It was a miracle! Furthermore, who knows what today might bring to the life of Nara Shikamaru?

"SHIKAMARU, GET UP!"

Speak of the devil...

Shikamaru got startled by the loud voice and sat up strait, half unconscious to the world around him. Slowly wiping the saliva dribbling from the edge of his mouth, he stood up; his vision blurry as he slowly rubs his eye. He winced when he felt pain from his right arm. Temari pummeling the frying pan at him bruised it yesterday.

As soon as he tilts his head, his jaw drops. Temari was _inside_ his room. _In his bloody room._ In front of him! "T-Temari?" he asked dumfounded as he slowly leaned towards Temari's face, blinking his eyes to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

Temari pushes Shikamaru away, sending him butt flying on his bed as Temari gazed around him room. She was wearing a black Kimono with white butterflies deigned on it. "Nice room..." she said and touched the carpet near Shikamaru's bed. Write it down in your notebook filled with rainbows that Temari's Kimono was really, _really_ loose and Shikamaru saw her cleavage. The Kimono also showed Temari's shoulders.

_What the-..._ before he knew it, he was thinking something else _...yeah, that's more I like it. Nice C cup bre- EH!_

Temari straightens up and lands her self on top of Shikamaru with a playful grin on her lips. She pushes Shikamaru against his silky sheets, saying, "You know, Shika-Kun," -she bats her eyelashes- "I really feel _comfortable_ in your room, just so you know." Temari slowly crawls on top of Shikamaru, letting sweat form on Shikamaru's forehead.

"Uh..Tema-" Shikamaru tried to clear his throat but Temari cut him off by pressing her full C cup breast against Shikamaru's chest.

_HOLY __$vru#_!Shikamaru could say nothing; the exotic sand kunoichi on top of him left him speechless.

"Let's have some _fun_, Shika-Kun." Temari said in a pleading manner. She straightens her posture and sits on top of Shikamaru, taking off her Kimono, untying the ribbon slowly with a seductive look on her face. Shikamaru's throat started to dry as he stared hungrily at her chest. _Must..Resist..TEMPTATION BY THE **EVIL WOMAN**!!_ He screamed inside his mind.

"Errr...Temari? As much as I really, _really_ want to-" _Kami-sama, did I just say that? _"-I can't." _I have a reputation to live, you know._

Temari mocks Shikamaru in a seductive way and threw her hands over her head, "Aw, is poor Shika-Shika-Kun afraid that I may have some infection that comes from the 'private part' touching another 'private part', a.k.a. **_STD_**? Aww, poor Shika-Shika-Kun!" Temari taunts as she finally untied the ribbon of her Kimono all the way and took it off, dropping it on the floor and revealing full C-cup breasts banded with white bandages.

_Shit._

Temari leans in and takes aim for Shikamaru's lip.

Closer...closer...closer.

Shikamaru could smell Temari's peach scent as their faces almost collide...lips almost touching when...

"Shikamaru?" ...she suddenly called out.

"Hmm?" Shikamaru replied; the world round him seemed to blur and spin all together.

"Shikamaru."

"Shikamaru!"

"SHIKAMARU, WAKE UP!!!"

The snapping open of eyes happened and a girly shriek followed. This may not be normal, but the man in bed pulled the silky sheets over his chest and had a panicked look on his face. _Wh-Ho-Wha-WHY THE HECK AM I COVERING MY CHEST!_

Temari smirked, amused. _He must've been dreaming he were a girl, _She thought and smirked. "Breakfast's ready," she said and turned around, about to leave the room when she stopped in her tracks and turned around to face Shikamaru, pointing a finger his chest.

"You're lucky you don't have titties."

-----

"Alright, men! Everything set! Move out!" Ino yelled at her workers, a toothy grin on her face as her workers nod, sat on their bicycles and rode to different directions, each one carrying a bag full of newspaper scrolls to distribute to the townspeople of Konohagakure.

Ino's facial expression turned from happy to 'evil'. _And then, people will buy more Newspapers and I will earn more money than forehead girl! Bwaha!_ Ino was rubbing her hand together in a maniacal way while grinning like mad when his husband poked her shoulder.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" Ino yelled, eyes burning in fire. How DARE anyone interrupts her in her plots on bringing Haruno down! She found out a chibi Kiba poking her.

"Are you ok, Ino-chan?" he asked in a very cute voice that made Ino fall Anime style while twitching. She quickly stood up and smiled slyly at Kiba. "Yes, Kiba-kun?"

Kiba returns into normal Kiba and brings out the newspaper issued for the day and points on a certain article. "Does Shikamaru really have a girlfriend?"

-----

_**Knock. Knock. Knock.**_

Temari turned her head and directed her attention towards the door. She frowned. _If you think I'm going to waste my time going to the door and answering whoever you are, I give no damn about it._ She continued on eating her breakfast with Shikamaru across where she was sitting.

He wore a black shirt with military colored shorts, the same bored expression on his face as he lifts the spoon filled with the soup Temari had made for breakfast to his face, examining it while frowning every now and then.

Temari could do no more but to roll her eyes and finish her soup as well.

_**Knock. Knock. Knock.**_

Shikamaru directed his attention to Temari, made eye contact with her and then moved his eyes to the door. He did made eye contact with her and directed his attention to the door, made eye contact and directed his attention to the door. Made eye con-

"Are you telling _me_ to answer the door for _you_?" she yelled, abruptly lifting her self from her seat as she pounded her palms on the table.

Shikamaru cringed and shook his head, stood up, buried his hands in his pocket and walked casually towards the door. Turning the door knob and with out even looking at the person, he answers with a sigh, "We're not interested to sponsor your goddamn charity for the aged and no, we're also not interested with the newspaper so could you please...shit from Middle Ages, what the flying _bull-shit-crap_ is this!" Shikamaru saw a newspaper lying on his doorstep, a gorgeous pony tailed woman on the front cover. He picked it up and it read:

**_ANBU Captain has a GIRLFRIEND!_**

_A mysterious woman has suddenly appeared yesterday near 'The Black Shop' with three men accompanying her. She had black hair, which was tied into a ponytail, an exotic body of a Goddess and beautiful facial features (refer to the image above). One of our best columnists, Inuzuka Ino, says that she heard one of the men accompanying the woman that she was Shikamaru's girlfriend! "In fact, the woman even got angry when one of the men told her that!" says Ino._

_Could all of these be true? Does our very own Nara Shikamaru have a girlfriend he's secretly hiding from the eyes of the public? Tune in to the next issue of **Konoha Daily**! This is Konoha Daily's proud & perverted owner Jiraiya signing out!_

Shikamaru's jaw had magically extended to the ground.

This was unexpected, very unexpected. "H-how, w-why, b-b-but.." Slowly, Shikamaru crumpled the newspaper and brought it near his chest.

Temari poked her head from the kitchen door. "What is that?" she asked curiously while slowly walking towards Shikamaru. _It better not be porn_, she thought.

Shikamaru froze. There was no way he would allow himself to be embarrassed in front of a person, especially if it's a woman. It would have been better if it were a man who will be in front of him and laugh it him-even though it's still embarrassing. His life just seemed to be so damn troublesome.

Slowly, Shikamaru turned around to face Temari while hiding the newspaper behind his back. He closed the door with his foot and began to sweat. "Oh, it was nothing. I just told the paper boy that I'm not interested and-"

Shikamaru continued on babbling but Temari didn't listen. Instead, her attention was drawn on Shikamaru's hands, which were behind his back.

_What the hell is he hiding? _Temari began to feel annoyed. What the hell could he be hiding, anyway? The newest volume of Icha Icha Paradise? Other porn magazines? A Vibrator? **WHAT?**

She crossed her arms on her chest, and raised a brow at Shikamaru who was looking very nervous, shifting his foot to another in an alternate manner.

"You, let me see what you're hiding behind your back," she said sternly, pointing at him.

Shikamaru laughed nervously. "It's nothing. Really." _Shit, man. This is bad. This'll be the start of a series of unfortunate events._

"If it's nothing, why do you look like there's a series of unfortunate events going to happen in your life?"

_Wow, can she read minds? Psycho.._

"And for the record, no. I can't read minds. Now, give it up!" Temari is getting really annoyed now.

Shikamaru frowned. There's no way he's going to give the newspaper to the woman in front of him. Even if she forces him...

"No." Shikamaru said sternly. "I'm not going to give it to you."

Temari chuckled. "Oh yeah?" she challenged,

_**Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.**_

The ticking of the clock filled the deafening silence in the house of Nara Shikamaru. No one made a move. No one said a word. Both shinobis looked at each other, ready for anything that might happen.

Unfortunately, our very loved Nara Shikamaru was not.

In a blink of an eye, Temari pulled out her large fan, and before you can even say 'Shut the fuck up, you bitch', she was already behind Shikamaru.

_Dun, dun, dun, DUN!_ Inner Shikamaru portrayed the dark-side-voice of the piano, and then chuckled. _Poor you, _he side noted with a smirk.

Shikamaru's eyes widened when he felt hot breath against the bare skin of his neck that sent him a tingling and bone chilling sensation towards his spine.

_Now is not the time, Shikamaru!_ He yelled to himself. _Hold yourself, goddamnit!_

There was this feeling that he didn't like. The feeling that made him go berserk once. The feeling that he dreaded. The feeling that he does not want to feel again. The feeling that sent him freezing even on the hottest days.

The feeling of being aroused.

* * *

_Please give constructive reviews & critisisms! More reviews, happy me. Happy me, faster update! xD  
_


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